From a young age, we are brought up to believe that our parents will always love us unconditionally. We go to our mothers for love, protection, and guidance.
We turn to them when we’re upset, in need of a safe space or advice, or just want to share something good in our lives. This makes it hard to recognize when a mother is emotionally abusive to her child, and it can be an aspect of the mother-child relationship that some people miss.
But emotional abuse can leave wounds that fester in our minds and hearts and can cause us to experience negative emotions for the rest of our lives.
If you are unsure whether you have an abusive mother, we have compiled a list of 15 signs that your mom is emotionally abusive to you.
15 Signs Your Mom Is Emotionally Abusive
1. Continuously Criticizing Your Looks
We all have flaws, and our mothers should love and accept us the way we are. So if your mother constantly criticizes your body, looks, or overall appearance, then she is emotionally abusive.
She might continually nag you about your weight, clothes, or the way you style your hair, even when you know that you look fine or have done your best. She might make fun of or pick on features of your face, making you feel self-conscious and insecure about yourself.
Related: 15 Things Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Do
2. Constantly Diminishing Your Worth
A mother who is emotionally abusive to her child might make you feel small or insignificant by diminishing your achievements, words, or actions.
She might not be happy for you or show any interest in the things you’ve accomplished. If she tries to belittle you, either by talking down to you or making you feel like you’re less than her in any way, then she is emotionally abusing you.
3. Playing the “Victim” Card
Playing the “victim” card is one of the most common forms of emotional abuse. Emotional manipulation can be one of the most underhanded and passive ways to abuse someone.
Your mother might use the “victim” card to make you feel like you need to do everything for her, and she might use this to her advantage. She might guilt-trip you, make you responsible for her happiness, or make you believe that you’re being “unkind” or “disloyal” for doing certain things that she doesn’t agree with.
4. Gaslighting You
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where your mother will make you question your own reality and the things that you know to be true.
She might lie to you about the things that she’s done or said and make you question your own memory. She might also tell you that you’re “too sensitive” or “overreacting” if you call her out on her behavior, even when she’s being inappropriately aggressive or hostile.
Related: 35 Signs of a Narcissistic Mother
5. Giving You the Silent Treatment
The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse where your mother will give you the cold shoulder and shut you out when you’ve done something that she doesn’t like.
She might completely ignore your messages or calls or refuse to speak to you. While this is one form of silent treatment and can be normal in certain circumstances, if she constantly uses this to manipulate or control you, then she is being emotionally abusive.
6. Constant Comparisons
Another form of emotional abuse is comparing you to others to make you feel less than them. She might always talk about how other people are better than you in terms of their looks, intelligence, achievements, or relationships. She might also compare you to her own expectations of how you should be, which can be very damaging to your self-esteem and self-image.
7. Being Overly Controlling
An emotionally abusive mother might also be overly controlling over her children’s lives, even if they are adults. She might try to dictate what they do, who they spend time with, what they wear, or what they believe in. She might also try to make all of the decisions for them, leaving them with no agency or choice in the matter.
Related: 15 Signs of Bad Parenting
8. Threatening to Withdraw Her Love or Affection
This is a common tactic used by emotional abusers where they threaten to withdraw their love or affection if you don’t do what they want. If your mother does this, then she is emotionally abusing you. She might say things like, “If you really loved me, you would do X,” or, “You’re making me regret having you.”
9. Shaming You for Having Emotions
A mother who is emotionally abusive might also shame you for having or expressing your emotions. She might tell you that you’re “too sensitive,” “weak,” or “selfish” for having feelings. She might also tell you that you’re not allowed to feel certain emotions or that you shouldn’t feel them around her.
10. Giving You Guilt Trips
Guilt-tripping is a form of emotional manipulation where your mother will make you feel guilty for doing certain things or not doing what she wants you to do. She might tell you that you’re “inconsiderate” or “ungrateful” for not putting her first or making her a priority. She might also make you feel guilty for not being there for her in the way that she wants.
11. Withholding Her Affection or Support
Withholding affection or support is another form of emotional abuse where your mother might not show you love or support when you need it the most. She might not praise you, hug you, or comfort you when you’re feeling down or need her approval. This can leave you feeling unloved and unwanted.
12. Blaming You for Her Mistakes or Problems
An emotionally abusive mother might also blame you for her mistakes or problems. She might make you feel responsible for her unhappiness, financial situation, or relationship problems. She might also tell you that if things were different, it would be your fault.
13. Constantly Invading Your Privacy
An emotionally abusive mother might also constantly invade your privacy, such as by reading your personal messages, going through your belongings, or asking personal questions. This is a form of emotional control and is often used to make you feel as though you have no right to privacy.
14. Projecting Her Own Insecurities Onto You
Mothers who are emotionally abusive might also project their own insecurities onto their children. She might criticize you for things that are directly related to her own unresolved issues, such as her body image or weight. This is a form of emotional abuse as she is making you feel as though you are not good enough because of something that is not your fault.
15. Using Your Vulnerabilities Against You
Emotionally abusive mothers might also know your vulnerabilities and use them against you. For example, if you have a past mistake or embarrassing moment, she might bring it up to shame you or make you feel guilty. She might also use personal information about you to control or manipulate you in some way.
What to Do If You Identify With These Signs
If you can relate to any of these signs, then it is important to remember that you are not alone, and it is not your fault. Emotional abuse can be hard to spot, and it is not always intentional. The important thing is that you are aware of the signs and know that it is not normal or healthy behavior.
The first step in dealing with an emotionally abusive mother is to recognize that she is being abusive and to get support from someone who will believe you.
Talk to a friend, therapist, or counselor about what’s going on and get their perspective on the situation. You might also want to consider reading up on emotional abuse and learning more about how to protect yourself from it. In some cases, you might also need to distance yourself from your mother until you have healed.
No one deserves to be treated this way, and it’s important to remember that you are not at fault. Emotional abuse is hard to recover from, but with the right support, you can overcome it and start to build healthier relationships with others.
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