Parenthood is an amazing journey that changes couples’ lives in profound ways, and giving birth to a baby is probably one of the best parts of it.
While we’re all for this major life event, it’s no secret that this period can also be stressful and put pressure on relationships. The birth of a baby can be just as hard as it is joyful, and sometimes, tensions and misunderstandings can occur between you and your husband.
We know how hard the first few months with a newborn can be. From physical recovery to hormonal changes to adjusting to a new dynamic, your everyday moments with your baby can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. One minute, you’re madly in love, and the next, you can’t stand the sight of each other.
If you are fighting with your husband after having a new baby, you are definitely not alone. Lots of couples experience similar challenges and relationship issues after childbirth. If you’re finding it difficult, don’t be too hard on yourself.
Reasons You Fight with Your Husband After Having a Baby
1. Stress From Sleep Deprivation
Sleep deprivation is a common—and most of us can agree—very stressful aspect of parenthood.
Babies tend to have quite unpredictable sleeping schedules, and it can leave both moms and dads exhausted and irritable. While mothers suffer more physically due to breastfeeding, some fathers can be equally, if not more, exhausted and emotional during this time.
If you find yourselves fighting after the birth of your child, it is likely due to the lack of sleep. If you are waking up several times throughout the night to feed the baby, you might feel frustrated—particularly when your husband is still snoring in the next bed.
If he’s the one waking up multiple times to feed the baby, he may be exhausted and grouchy the next day, too, especially if he has to work.
How to fix:
Communication is key. Talk to your husband about how you are both feeling. Consider taking turns doing the night shift so you can get some consecutive hours of sleep (you will need it!).
He can help with the feedings if you pump, so keep a stash for when he’s on shift, and the same goes for you. Naps are a must for new parents, so even if you only get 2 hours to sleep at a time, at least you are sharing that time equally.
Related: 8 Natural Benefits of Breastfeeding for Mom and Baby
2. Postpartum Changes and Emotional Rollercoaster
Your body has gone through major changes, and adjusting to those can be a challenge. Whether you’re carrying some extra weight, struggling to recover from the birth, or simply looking and feeling very different, you might feel uncomfortable, insecure, frustrated, and inadequate. And don’t forget about those mood swings due to postpartum hormonal fluctuations, which can be a recipe for disaster.
Your husband might not know how to support you in this area, and it might lead to conflict and resentment. You might feel he’s not as emotionally present as you would like, and he might feel like he doesn’t know how to make you feel better.
How to fix:
Give yourself some time. Allow yourself to get used to your new self, and don’t forget to be kind to yourself in how you think and talk about yourself.
It’s normal to feel this way—your body has been through a lot, and it might take time to get back to your usual self, if at all. Talk to your husband and let him know what’s going on with you so he can be there to support you.
Related: 5 Ways to Be an Organized Mom
3. Adjusting to New Roles and Responsibilities
Now that you and your husband are parents, you both have new responsibilities to account for, which might not be easy to handle. You might start noticing that the person who used to clean the house is doing nothing to help, while the one who used to clean is on a cleaning hiatus, making one feel unhelpful while the other feels overworked.
If he’s used to working and supporting you both, now that he has more family responsibilities, it might be easy for him to feel underappreciated and overworked, leading to a full-on argument.
How to fix:
Discuss your roles and expectations and find a middle ground. Remember, this period is about support and teamwork. So if you need help, ask for it, and if your husband asks, be supportive. Make a list of responsibilities if necessary, and try to divide them equally. Don’t be afraid to change something later if needed.
Related: 5 Signs Your Baby Is Ready To Stop Napping
4. Loss of Intimacy
Date nights, spontaneous hugs and kisses, and touching might feel like a distant memory now that you’re a family. There’s no doubt that having a baby can be physically and emotionally draining, and it can have an adverse effect on the couple’s intimacy and connection.
It’s easy to lose that spark with your husband if you don’t make a conscious effort to work on it.
How to fix:
Find time to spend with each other, even if it’s just a cup of coffee or a few minutes of chatting before you both doze off. If your intimacy level is not where you’d like it to be, it’s time to address it and fix the situation. You can easily work on these issues with the support and guidance of professionals, and it will make a world of difference, we promise!
Related: How to Get Your Baby to Accept a Bottle
5. Pressure and Unrealistic Expectations
We are all guilty of putting too much pressure on ourselves as new parents, sometimes with impossible standards. We often compare ourselves to other parents we know and see, and it is easy to feel like you are not good enough as a parent, when in fact, you are doing great.
If anything is not going as smoothly as you expected it to, you might start taking it out on your husband, making him feel that he is not doing enough when, in fact, he is.
How to fix:
Let go of the need to be perfect, and stop trying to live up to the expectations of others—or, what’s even worse, your own. You are allowed to have bad days, just as you are allowed to make mistakes. That doesn’t make you a bad parent. You can even fix things if you think you’ve done something wrong, but at the end of the day, be kind to yourself and to your partner. You’re both in this together.
Related: 10 Reassuring Signs Your Baby Is Doing Just Fine
6. The Lack of “Me Time”
Mommy time and alone time can become such a luxury you never knew you needed until you had a baby. It’s important to carve out that time for yourself, not just for your mental health but for the relationship you have with your partner. If your husband doesn’t understand how badly you need a break every now and then, things might turn sour.
You might find yourself frustrated, snapping at your partner (husband included), and he might not understand how you can be so exhausted when the baby is not even his.
How to fix:
Schedule some time off and guard it like it’s your child. Whether it’s an hour with your friends, going for a walk, or just some alone time in the bathroom, this time is vital for you to recharge your batteries so you can be present for your husband and your family. If it’s impossible to take time off for yourself, consider taking time off for each other, at least to recharge your batteries.
Related: 15 Signs of Bad Parenting
7. Financial Strains and Worries
The arrival of a new baby often means a whole new financial challenge—from medical bills to baby gear and everything in between. If your finances are stretched, it is bound to cause stress, arguments, and, in some cases, resentment if one partner feels the other is carrying the financial load more than their share.
You both might have different opinions on how money should be spent and saved, and with a little one in the picture, it can add to the tensions between you two.
How to fix:
Have an open and honest discussion about your money. Your financial situation will change with the baby, so you both have to be on the same page when it comes to budget and priorities.
Final Thoughts
Arguments and fights after having a baby are very common—even to the point of becoming normal—but that doesn’t mean you need to make it a habit.
Parenthood is a team sport, and if you want to be a happy, well-functioning unit, you need to make sure you communicate, set realistic expectations, and take care of your relationship.
It’s also important to be patient and understanding with each other, as it’s not easy to suddenly live with another human, and having that human being with you 24/7 is even more challenging.
We all struggle, especially after birth, and that’s why you need to be kind and give yourselves a chance before you start taking it out on each other.
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